


Vanilla Lies || 𝙎𝙖𝙞𝙤𝙪𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙨𝙪 𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙨

by Sugar_Kaede



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Akamatsu Kaede Deserves Better, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Fluff and Angst, God help us if you can read all the chapters without being sad, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I made this all at 3AM please someone read this, Kaede is so underrated, Multi, OT3, Polyamory, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Killing School Life (Dangan Ronpa), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad with a Happy Ending, Trauma, Unrequited Love, mostly angst, no beta we die like junko
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:16:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29713599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugar_Kaede/pseuds/Sugar_Kaede
Summary: Saioumatsu oneshots filled with angst. To fuel your Despair!I will go down with this ship. Comfort ship go brrr- This will mostly be angst. Because- Normally at 3AM I decide to write angst. I have around 10 chapters planned but I do want to make more.Just a warning I cried a few times while making these. Warning for you if you decide to read this.(Just realize that, oh god these are going to be very angsty oneshots.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Bitter taste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi and Kokichi get into a fight. Kaede witnesses

For all the years since she’s known Saihara and Ouma she hadn’t thought that they would ever get into an actual fight. Well maybe an argument here and there but this, this was just.. a horrible misunderstanding

She would have never thought they were the kind of couple to fight. But here Kaede was right in front of the two of them. She was holding a can of cola while they kept screaming, and yelling at each other.

The taste of the now tossed aside can was bitter and sour. 

If the matter on the fight had been less.. serious she probably would have laughed at their stupidity.

Usually Saihara and Ouma would be very overly affectionate and they would cling onto each other. They have liked each other for a longtime so how could they not?

They were always disgustingly together as Iruma would have said.

If she was being honest with herself as she watched them fight. She felt terrible.. She didn’t want them to fight, what if they break up or worse they think that the whole fight was the other’s fault and they never talk to each other again?

She didn’t want them to hate each other.

How would she be able to be friends with the both of them without the other being angry if that happened?

She couldn’t bear that. These intrusive thoughts caved her mind as their yells echoed. She wanted them to stay together. It’s the only thing she ever wanted for them. Even if she used to be jealous of their affection towards each other.

If you assumed that she had a crush on one of of them…

You would be wrong.

If you asked if it was the both of them.. she wouldn’t deny nor agree.

Besides, If she did ever tell them it would hurt both of them and her.

So yes, she is going to keep lying to herself about her feelings. If she ignores her feelings for them maybe they’ll go away. Just maybe is what she hopes.

It was heartbreaking to her to see her two friends like this. She wanted to tell them to stop fighting

But she couldn’t. When she tried to, her voice never went above a whisper. The both of them kept screaming at each other.

They were at each other’s throats. It hurt her to see them like this. No doubt it hurt them as well, they had never got into any serious fights.

She kept her hold on the can in her hand.

Saihara and Ouma’s voices kept screaming at each others. She debated calling Hinata so he could pick her up. The yelling was getting worse, she could already hear the landlord yelling at her about that tomorrow.

When Saihara and Ouma usually got into small useless fights she would stay over at Hajime’s place. He lived with two other people. She was told that they were all dating each other, Kaede herself thought that was nice for them.

The thought of that with her, Saihara and Ouma filled her mind before she could stop herself. She was rather close to Hinata, his wife and his husband.

The three of them were more like her parents than hers ever could be. They were older than her by three years and acted like parents of sort to her.

Her parents weren’t very … nice

Saihara and Ouma’s screaming ….  
It reminded her of the fights her parents used to have when she was a child. She and her sister would hear them right all the time from their rooms.

When the fights happened she would usually stay in her room, and even sometimes cry.

She would cry because her parents hated each other. She cried because the people who helped raise her were being horrible to each other and their own children.

They were being so toxic to each other it broke her heart to see them fight and scream. Her parents didn’t even care to see that she was hurting. She let out whimpers and quiet sobs at night.

At the tender age of nine she had experienced that hurt.

Her sister had to be the strong one for the both of them. She always had been the less emotional one out of the two of them. Her father had favored her sister over her, even if he mistreated the both of them—

That may have been apart of the reason why her parents let her audition for Dangan Ronpa

She got snapped out of her thoughts, by the sound of the can in her hand being crushed by her hand.

She felt ashamed of herself for even thinking about the fights her parents had. And comparing it to this. But even so. It didn’t scare her any less.

To some degree she-

She felt anger then sadness for them. Saihara had never been the one to raise his voice in anger at someone, but he was. Ouma was never one to feed into someone’s anger, but that was definitely a lie.

She wanted to scream at the two of them. She wanted to cry out to get them to stop. But she couldn't, she was too afraid to, she was scared, for them and for her. Her anxiety kept getting the best of her.

Her hands shook on her hold of the now crushed can. She could feel her anxiety getting worse.

Her heart stopped as she heard Saihara screech at Ouma.

“Kokichi. I only wanted you to open up to me but you couldn’t even do that couldn’t you? If you keep that up. You’ll be alone, you always will be.”

In horror she put her hand to her mouth. She didn’t expect him to say that.. even to Kokichi who he loved with all his heart and could get on his nerves.

Their fights they had before in high school weren't this bad ever.

Not even in the Killing game

At least to what she remembered.

She noticed his small frown. One lone tear fell onto his check. In that moment she never wanted to slap anyone so much than she wanted to slap Saihara right then.

Saihara realized his mistake. He looked guilty. Still not even caring that I was around. It was like she wasn’t even there. They were so caught up in their own fight they didn’t notice her.

He grabbed Ouma’s hands. “Kokichi… I-I’m sorry!” Kokichi quickly pulled his hand away from him. Tears still sliding down his face. “N-no I-“

She noticed him shaking slightly with tears running down his face.

He ran into his room. She felt the urge to comfort him. But her legs were glued to the floor. She felt frozen.

He didn’t dare look at her. Saihara ran out the door as soon as she tried to open her mouth.

Kaede’s feet were glued to the ground. She was surprised that Saihara could even say something like that to someone alone yet Ouma. It made her sick to her stomach his words repeating in her head.

She hoped that at least she could help them reconcile. But that’s all she could do for them. She could never understand what they’re going through. She was always on the outside of their world. It had always been like that somehow.

With everything they’ve all gone through it just made it entirely worse.

But why? Why did she even care. She couldn’t understand why she cared so much. She just couldn’t take it, the both of them hurting and fighting.

* * *

Kaede’s heart broke as she walked into Kokichi’s room. He was lying on his bed staring at the wall. His eyes were red rimmed, like it was taking all that was in him to not cry anymore.

It hurt her to see him like this. The boy who had been so childish and funny even as an adult. He could always make her laugh when she was sad. She was angry at Shuichi for what he said to him. But she was mad at herself for not stopping the fight sooner.

He looked at her with downcast eyes. She sat down on the bed next to him. He slowly sat up next to her. He leaned on her side slightly.

Kokichi always was an affectionate person. He usually took comfort in her when he was sad or lonely. It was always like this, when they got closer in high school he started seeking her comfort whenever he got sad.

That was back before they auditioned for the killing game. It seems that he didn’t change that much.

“Are you ok Ouma? He was being so mean I’m so sorry I- I didn’t break up the fight sooner.” She let out a big sigh

“It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault I bet that this would happen eventually. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.” He grabbed her hand. She shook her head again in guilt. His red eyes made him look more sickly the more you stared at him.

She was surprised he was being so honest with her. It must have been a side affect of his memories he had before the killing game. He was very different before, but even so it’s understandable to not want to lie to someone you seem to trust.

I really hope he trusts me.

She nodded and gave him a tiny smile. “I know.. but are you ok?” He squeezed her hand tightly. “No, I’m not fine. Everything hurts.” Tears fell from his eyes again.

It took all within her not to cry at the sight of his unhappiness, his despair. He put his head on her shoulder and she let go of his hand.

She said nothing. Instead she wrapped him into a hug. He held onto her as his tears fell onto her sweater. She took his hand again and tightly squeezed it in comfortable silence.

She didn’t care that her sweater might have gotten wet. She only cared for his well-being. She made a note in her head to slap Saihara later, then maybe apologize and get him to reconcile with Kokichi.

Only maybe then they would be happy without her having to help them stay together. She always one way or another was the file that kept them together. She wanted them to be happy and they loved each other they always had.

For Shuichi it has always been Kokichi. And your Kokichi it has always been Shuichi.

Things just didn’t turn out the way she wanted them to.

“I-it hurts so much Kaede. I hate f-feelings..”

She was surprised he used her first name, but before she could fully process it. She noticed the tiny bruise on his shoulder. She noticed he flinched when she noticed. But again she stayed quite for his sake.

She gave him a tiny kiss on his head and hugged him tightly. He leaned on her shoulder grasping her hand tightly.

She softly stroked his head and continued holding him. He mumbled out a strained thank you. She didn’t let go of him and stayed with him until he fell asleep.

* * *

By the time Kokichi had calmed down and fell asleep. She carefully covered him with a blanket, pulled off his shoes that were still on since he forgot to take them off in the midst of the fight.  
She got up from his bed as quietly as she could and walked out of the room.

Thankfully he didn’t notice as he was still sleeping. She stood in silence at the door. She decided to wait for Saihara to get home. Then she would talk to him about what happened.

An hour later the door flew open to Saihara his hands shaking slightly as Maki and Kaito helped him into the house. “Shuichi?” She muttered.

“Momota, Harukawa what happened to him?” Kaito had a look of dismay on his face. Maki looked disappointed at Shuichi most of all.

“Well- Uhm well he. He was drinking and me and Maki found him on the side of the road near our house when we were going out for dinner.” She crossed her arms and looked at Shuichi’s unhinged state.

Kaede muttered. “Oh.. so that’s why you guys look all fancy.”

Maki sighed in annoyance. “So what happened Akamatsu? He was going on about how you and Ouma were mad at him and he was crying and whining about it.” She gave them a look of surprise. “What? M-me? I’m not the one- nevermind well he and Kokichi got into a fight.”

Kaito gave her a sad look. “Really? Awwh that sucks. My sidekick must have gone too far didn't he?” She nodded.

Maki gave her a sad look. “Me and Kaito should get going now. Take care of these idiots ok? You live with them for a reason don’t you? Please look after them.” She gave her a strained smile in response and nodded.

They said their goodbyes while Shuichi stayed quiet staring at the floor. She closed the door quietly.

She looked at Shuichi lying on the couch. His eyes were red, tears still welled up in his eyes. One of his eyes were swollen and bruised, he must have gotten into a fight. It’s not unlikely that happened, when you get drunk you can get into fights a lot.

She sat down next to him. He suddenly grabbed her, and sobbed into her shoulder. “I’m so- so sorry Kaede. I-I don’t know what got into me I’m so sorry..” His voice cracked with every sound he made.

She tried not to let the use of her first name bother her. So she let him sob into her shoulder for a while. She didn’t know what to think. He was hurting. Of course he didn’t mean what he said to Kokichi but that didn’t make it any better. His whole face was wet after he let go of her.

He let out a sad sigh. More tears flew onto his cheeks. It looked like he already knew that he had to apologize. He looked full of regret and guilt. It made her pity his state.

Of course she cared for Shuichi but at times he could be a handful. She loved him dearly with all her heart but it was hard to see him like this. It really does hurt to see people you love get hurt.

Staring at him for a moment she pulled him into a soft hug. He gasped in surprise. He hugged her back tightly. She felt hot tears fall down to her sweater. She quietly rubbed his back.

He let out a strained cry and tightly hugged her again. He leaned onto her, and sobbed. She noticed a few scars on his wrist and quickly let go of him when she noticed fresh new scars on his right wrist.

Looking back at him she stayed quiet, he looked at her in horror. She gave him a tiny frown as she shook her head. He looked her in the eyes pleading to her to not say anything.

She nodded and stood up to grab something from her room. She had grabbed a few bandages.

When she came back to see his form shaking, she sat down next to him again. His sullen eyes looking more horrid the more red rimmed they got.

Setting the bandages down next to her, and pulled him into another hug. She gently stroked his hair. Then she wiped his tears. Before he could notice she wrapped a bandage around his right wrist.

He pulled onto her hand like a child asking for their parent or friend to hold their hand. She took his hand into hers and held it softly.

She hummed a familiar song to him. Clair de lune. He held onto her tightly like she could leave him alone at anytime.

She let out a strangled sob. She stopped humming “Shhhhh.. it’s okay you’re gonna be okay Sai- Shu it’s ok I’m right here. I’m right here. I’m here with you. It’s okay. Shhhhhh..”

His hands held on hers shook. She helds his hand tighter. He laid his head onto his shoulder and leaned on her.

He mumbled a tiny thanks to her and she nodded in response. A tiny tear drop fell from his face. She stayed quiet again until softly saying. “It’s gonna be alright. You’ll be ok. It’s alright it’s ok. you’re human you can make a few mistakes. Alright? You’re going to be okay I promise. It’s not your fault ok? You were just mad that he wasn’t telling you the truth.”

She hummed the familiar song to him again. She felt him calm down slightly. He laid onto her comfortably seeking comfort in her arms.

She gave him a soft kiss on his cheek as his eyes closed.

Perhaps today she could just enjoy comforting Ouma and Saihara. It still made her feel sad but at least she could comfort them, and that’s all she needed.   
  
That was enough for her. 


	2. You always want what you can’t have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post Killing Game
> 
> Kaede ponders over what she did. About the killing game itself and it’s participants. 
> 
> Angst and Venerability ahead
> 
> This is one of my favorite oneshots I’ve ever written

Kaede sat against her bed. The hospital room smell coursing her sense of smell. The resounding noise of a song coming out from her phone. 

_A broken heart is all that's left_

The nurse never let her talk to anyone. She might have been the only participant to not talk to with the others yet. 

A part of her wishes she could talk to Saihara or even Shirogane again.. 

She’s not even sure that he would still want to be around her.. after what she did to him.

She manipulated him, because she thought her stupid stupid plan to kill the mastermind would work.

But it didn’t work. And because of that she couldn’t even speak anymore. 

_I'm afraid of all I am_

She always had bloodied bandages on her neck, the damage her lungs and throat took from her punishment was so severe she couldn’t speak anymore. She didn’t deserve to live. 

Even if she didn’t actually kill Amami, she played a part in it. The mastermind, Shirogane set her up to die. 

She wanted to scream as loud as she could when she found out Shirogane was the mastermind. She was mad enough to have hot tears pour down her face, as painful memories were pushed back into her mind. 

Kaede usually wrote on a pad and paper to communicate with the doctors and nurses. She should be used to being in the same hospital room by now. It made her feel depressed that she couldn’t do anything about it, her parents and older sister weren’t even allowed to bring her home.

Apparently, the doctors noted she still has trauma from the killing game. Is in denial about everything and seems to be self deprecating at times. They also noted that she got into states of misery and regret. Often repeating soft spoken words. 

It made her sick to her stomach that they could tell that she was still hurting. The ache in her heart came back every time she heard the sound of a piano. 

The echo of the song still stuck in her mind. 

She desperately wished to talk to someone. She desperately wished she didn’t feel alone anymore, she didn’t want to be alone. She was scared and afraid. She just wanted to go home because she wasn’t even allowed that. 

At least her own personal nurse was nice. According to what she’s talked to Kaede about she used to be a killing game participant too. She said she was an ultimate nurse, there were only two ultimate nurses in all of _Dangan Ronpa_. The other ultimate nurse was a male. 

Her nurse knew that Kaede knew who she was. But she stayed quiet as she always did. Didn’t even acknowledge it when she had conversations with her on pen and paper. 

It was nice that Kaede had a friend. But it wasn’t enough to make her to feel whole again. 

It was like her heart was shattered into a million peices. All her own fault. Her fault.

Her fault.

Her fault.

H̷͍̫̿͗̆́̔͂̐̈́̎̀̀͊͋͊̽e̴̥̣̹̤̗̰̗͕̺̣͍͙͉̻̝͌̋̀̾̀̌͌̇͐̔̃̒̅̇͂ŗ̷̤̣̜͙͔̬̬̀́̊̂͛̍̀̉̃̚̚͝ ̷̱̭͛̎̀͋̽͐͂̏f̷͚̺͇̲͇͔̲͚̩͌a̴̢̹̼̞͛̏̓̒̋͗̎̍̎̾̎̎̚u̴͓̻̹͍͇̱͙̅́̂̈́͝͝͝l̴̠̣̲͔̮̠̑̽̏͋͑̾̽͜͝͠t̷̫̹͎͓̲̬̦̮̋͗͐̍̍͒̇̿͌̇̌͝͝͠ ̸̡̡̛̜̥̺̦̭̐́̽̆̽̃̈́͝

  
  
  


She wondered if Shuichi and Kokichi are happy. In the game they were shown to have a lot of chemistry. Even the fans of the 53rd season of _Dangan Ronpa_ wanted them together. 

She was told by her therapist when she asked what shipping was, that it was two people that you want to become a couple really badly. Usually in fiction and television. He also had said that it was sort of an obsessive behavior for fans.

  
  


Even so.. 

  
  


If they did end up together. They would be happy right?

If they’re happy so am I. 

  
  


She’s going to stop lying to herself. 

  
  


_We were always a losing game_

  
  


She loved Shuichi. 

She really did. She loved his smile and how serious and polite he was. She loved him through and through his weaknesses, anxiety and how timid he was.

But. . 

He grew more as a person because of her. Her death more specifically. 

It crushed her that he was **that** affected by her death. 

She didn’t even think that he cared about her that much. She wasn’t even worth being affected by her death. 

She was a murderer, a sacrifice it was her fault that the killing game started.

She felt extremely guilty for giving Saihara trauma. 

Why couldn’t she let go of that? **She hurt him**

She only wanted him to be happy. 

The dark part of her mind mocked her for it. She couldn’t let it go, she couldn’t let it go. She was told over and over again that it wasn’t her fault. But it still felt like it was.

She just wanted to talk to him. Just for once please. She wanted to at least apologize, he didn’t even have to accept her apology. She just wanted to talk to him one more time. One more time please. 

She just wanted to play the piano for him like she promised. Yet another kind lie she told. Like when she told him about the plan. 

Sometimes she just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry which was usually on her bad days..

On her good days she would curl up onto her hospital bed and listen to music on occasion getting emotional over what? Nothing, nothing but her own broken heart and guilt. 

Her own guilt overshadowed her heartbreak of watching her best friend die. The only person she knew before the game, she had to watch him die. 

She had to watch Kokichi die on that dreaded scratched television. She would give anything to talk to him again. He may not remember it but he was one of the only people she actually cared about in her old and current life. 

Sometimes she wished she could hurt herself. Of course she didn’t feel like that all the time. But on her worded days she would go without eating, she’d just lay at her bed and wither in self deprecation and grief. 

The doctors and nurses never left her unattended. As always they watched over her. They always seemed so faceless to her, only one of them actually mattered to her. The only one who hadn’t looked at her like she was a lost cause. 

Sometimes she wished she could stop hurting. She was kept being told things would get better. And yet they didn’t.

She just wanted someone to help her. To guide her into the right direction. She was afraid of herself and the trauma she ran away from.

She poured out all all her emotions to get pity and empathy from a person paid to help her. Her therapist was nice, he was an informative person and when she asked him questions he didn’t get fed up with her like most did whenever she didn’t understand something. He was patient unlike so many other therapists she had met. 

He was a nice man. She would talk to him for hours about how she felt and about the little things. Like how she received a present of two plushed dolls of her favorite detective and supreme leader. It was the little things that kept her happy. Sometimes those little things were the only thing in her world that kept her going.

_I got addicted to a losing game_

Here’s the other thing with Akamatsu. She was in love with Ouma too, to some degree. 

She knew him before the _killing game_. Unlike the others, she had met Ouma before. Back then she was a different person. She didn’t see the point in life, she didn’t even care to even speak to most. 

She cared only about her family and no one else. The world around her was only cold and cruel to her before. Her family was a light switch to her, she could act one way with them like she did with others on a daily basis.

But with Ouma she was different than with the other people at school. They had been close, he always used to get bullied for his small frame and timid behavior. She often stood up for him, no inspiring words or speech that can turn the bad guy into a good guy. Only yells of leave him the hell alone or If you hurt him again I’ll cut you! ‘ 

Back then she had no faith in humanity. He was an exception for her, he was her best friend and she was damned if anyone was gonna take him away from her.

Even now she was still fond of him, she wasn’t a big fan of how he was in the game. But she understood him and knew that he was misunderstood. Even in the game she had so much empathy for him. She still loved him without knowing it in the game. 

She wanted to stay with him. She really did. 

She still even now hasn’t had too much faith in people, but she had hope and she cared enough that she wanted her world to get better. She cared enough to let room for him in her heart back then. Saihara prodded his way into her heart with nervous smiles and a promise of trust.

She never thought about Saihara and Ouma too long. If she did for too long, she would be pushed into a state of sadness. Remembering that she wasn’t aloud under any circumstance to see them ever again.

It broke her heart to think that. It was unthinkable to her that things wouldn’t be the same if she were to ever see them again. 

She tried to let herself not dwell on them too long. It just hurt sometimes, to love them. 

She had always known that.. Loving them is a losing game.   
  


-Hah the song was right. 


End file.
